The House of Half-Ass

So my friends and I have decided that the nickname for my new house really should be “The House of Half-Ass”, or #HoHA for short, because that’s how many of the previous owners did things: half-ass.  There’s nothing particularly egregiously bad in the house (okay, except for the furnace venting CO2 into the basement and the windows where you can see daylight through the frame), but there’s a whole hell of a lot of things that make you cock your head, scratch your chin, and say to yourself “Did they just not care at all?”


If this house had been occupied by a family in poverty, or a senior, or used as a rental for Hopkins kids, it would make a lot more sense, but by all accounts from the neighbors, the previous owner was a middle class white lady in her early 40s who had a decent sense of taste (that last part is my own addition, from the way the house was furnished).  There were vines growing in through the back windows, for crissakes. I suppose that if you have enough art on the walls and antiques in the corners, you can ignore the fact that your walls look like they were plastered by a 5 year old with a shovel and some playdoh and that the vinyl flooring in your bathroom doesn’t even meet itself in the middle.


Here’s a few examples of just how this house earned its new moniker:


This is what the kitchen side of the entryway into the kitchen looks like.  I’m pretty sure that they had never heard of a trowel or an orbital sander:


And take a look at this complete lack of caring that they didn’t re-plaster over the stud when they worked on this wall:


Likewise, I’m pretty sure that the gorgeous butcher block top to the island has never in its lifetime been properly conditioned.  This is after just one coat with mineral oil and beeswax:


Latex paint so poorly adhered that I can get my entire scraper behind it, which comes off in huge swathes:


Windows that fall out of their frames when you try to open them.  That bottom window sash is currently upside down, because when I went to open it, the top fell out of the frame.  I had to have a friend come over to get it back into the frame.  Also, note the really crappy plaster repair below the window trim.  Thankfully, I should only have to deal with these for a few more weeks:


One of these days soon I’ll post a photo of the current repair list.  It’s daunting, but I have kind of adopted a sort of “challenge accepted!” attitude towards it.  It will be a bit less intimidating when Rose, my friend and future roommate, moves back from China this summer, as at that point I’ll actually have another resident of the HoHA to commiserate with.

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