Change On the Horizon

This past week, I was finally able to schedule all of my various appointments for top surgery (the modified double mastectomy that trans men get to achieve a male chest).  This is something that I’ve been looking forward to ever since I found out it was an option, and arguably something I’ve been looking forward to since I was about 12.  My surgery date is January 19th, less than two months away.


And yet, I find I have a really complicated mix of emotions.  There’s anxiety, there’s excitement, there’s hope and fear, as well as panic and optimism, all kind of vying for space in my brain.


I’m a bit stressed because though I had always planned on having surgery done in January, I honestly didn’t expect to have it in January.  It’s rare that surgeons are able to schedule such a close date, especially now that more and more insurers are covering the surgery as medically necessary.  I was figuring that it would probably be March or April before I could get a date.  I’m over the moon that I was able to get a date in mid January, but I’m also now a wee bit overwhelmed at how much stuff I have to get done before then.  I have to finalize my health insurance, get a letter from my doctor saying that I’m not crazy and that this surgery is the right treatment, do some fundraising to help cover my living expenses during my two month recovery period, get the house in order, and go to two more doctor’s appointments before the big one.  Oh, and try to get my health in as much order as possible beforehand.


On the flip side, the amount of change this will make in my life is almost unimaginable.


As I have mentioned before in my post titled 50 Questions, having to bind means that every time I have to leave the house, I have to make a series of decisions about what compromise I’m willing to make based on what feels like a million factors.  That whole conversation in my head?  Gone.  Always being a bit too warm when I’m out and about because I’m wearing an extra layer (the binder) underneath?  Done with.  Having to limit my social outings to 6 hours or less because that’s about the limit of how long I can bind before my body starts to get angry with me?  No more.  Everything from buying clothes to interviewing for jobs is about to get a hell of a lot less complicated.  My participation in hobbies will no longer be restricted.  I will no longer have to worry about a neighbor seeing me taking the trash out in my PJs and wondering if I’m a dude with boobs or a bearded lady.  Since I will have had “gender confirming surgery”, my paperwork is about to get a hell of a lot easier as well.  I no longer have to get a temporary new passport, I can just straight up get one that says “Male”.  I’ll have jumped through the biggest hoop that insurance companies hold up to make sure that you’re not crazy or trying to defraud them.


This is just a tiny percentage of the ways in which my life is about to change drastically.


I can’t wait.

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